


you broke the best of me (i lost my colour vision)

by goldavn



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Colours, M/M, Some comfort, Some kissing, Very angst, alcohol at the end, disbandment au, one sided? but not?, referenced/implied/slight sex, they are both stubborn and confusing, time jumps, walls, what is onghwang without angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-15 20:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13620777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldavn/pseuds/goldavn
Summary: seongwoo picks apart the times he thinks he pushed minhyun out and why he continues to do it when minhyun makes his world grey - but from time to time makes it shine with colour.





	you broke the best of me (i lost my colour vision)

**Author's Note:**

> based upon the prompt i picked for [sirius rises](https://twitter.com/siriusrises95) fic exchange which is onghwang centric.
> 
> alot of the dialogue has been picked and are direct lines from songs for some of them so bonus points for you if you can decipher what dialogue is from what song :')
> 
> the prompt is based off a song (i lost my colour vision ; from burning hearts) that is rather fitting for seongwoo and his indie roots, and i will be writing his perspective for this piece.
> 
> their relationship isn't the best nor is it rather healthy (post disbandment esp) and therefore i just want you to know in advance it may be triggering but the point of them having this type of a relationship is to explore the dynamics of a one/sides/surpressed relationship. I hope you understand and if you'd like to leave me a comment or advice on my writing about this - I am more than happy to accept them. (hence the fact that the characters are fictional and do not relfect onghwang's personalities or relatioships/freindships irl)

_"you painted a rainbow on the wall,_

_that I built in pure anger,_

_to keep a certain distance from you_

_whatever your intentions were,_

_you’ve done all your work in vain,_

_‘cause all I can see are the different shades of grey"_

 

☂

 

Seongwoo can’t remember when exactly he had decided to start pushing Minhyun out. He can’t decide whether it was when he finally admitted to himself that when they disband, that he is gone and not coming back. He would be going back to his hyungs who he had been with to begin with. He doesn’t mean to be jealous but he can’t help but feel the familiar twinge in his gut when he thinks about. Maybe he had subconsciously pushed him out when they were produce 101. All the moments they had shared in the dorms, the nights they spent cuddling that the cameras never showed on the broadcasts. Seongwoo is almost thankful, but there is still a fucked-up part of him that wishes the footage was kept in so he had something to remind him that maybe him and Minhyun had a chance – _had._

 

Sure, Seongwoo is affectionate, possibly even over affectionate with his members. When it’s with Minhyun it’s different - he has trained himself to keep his feelings at bay. It would be a lie to say he had no feelings for Minhyun. It’s the whole reason why he thinks he does what he does.

 

There is a saying or belief that lovers can see colours that others can’t; whether that be after they’ve confessed their love to each other or whether they are in love with each other but neither of them knows. The beauty of it is that the colours you can see, vibrant purples, golds, they are colours that you’ve never experienced in your life. It’s what people spend their life searching for.

 

Seeing the colours is something he has dreamed of since he was a kid, when one of his best friends had first told him about the colours. His friend had told him there was nothing more beautiful than the vibrant colours that glowed and shone around your line of sight and it was all because of one person – the person you loved more than anything. Seongwoo had always been interested in the idea and it was mainly because he had thought it was a joke, or something paranormal. So why would Seongwoo push away someone that could give him those very colours he wishes for the most?

 

Because he saw them very briefly once before and it scared him more than anything else.

 

☂

 

**_ November, 2017 _ **

 

Seongwoo had thought that when the group would have a second round of promotions it would be for a second mini album. Instead, they were given the idea of a repackaged album to release in November. To have a comeback so soon after their debut was both a shock and pleasant surprise to them all, but the stress on their body and minds were something not worth the stress in Seongwoo’s mind. Poor Jisung had ended up in the hospital and the company kept it hush hush the whole time Jisung was there – a whole week. For seven days their leader overlooked their schedules and double, triple, quadruple checked lyrics, typos, anything that could bring them down as a group and individually. Seongwoo has nothing but respect for Jisung and everything he has done for the boys this year.

 

Because of Jisungs absence, Sungwoon, Minhyun and Seongwoo had been in charge of conducting the things Jisung had. Whether it be ordering the kids around, settling small disputes between the group and keeping the overall energy level sane and high.

 

They were presented with the b-side track _Wanna_ on a gloomy Sunday evening, and the boys were less than willing to come back to the studio when they only just returned to the dorms. Seongwoo had felt guilty about encouraging the kids to leave so he and Minhyun stay behind themselves and start picking apart the song and the choreography.

 

Seongwoo can’t help but notice how effortlessly good Minhyun looks in his training gear – he is merely wearing a pair of baggy track pants with an equally baggy hoodie. The killing point, in Seongwoo’s eyes, is the round spectacles Minhyun had been wearing the whole day. He looks like a professor, a smart student – wholesome.

 

_Whenever I see you._

It doesn’t matter how many times they play the same line over and over again, both of them want to make the choreography look good, something that would make the fans scream even if it was just for a split second. It is how they find themselves sat back to back, and once their lyrics start playing, they turn towards each slightly, their necks tilting so mouths and cheeks are barely touching each other. It makes Seongwoo’s heart race so surely it would make the fans… right?

 

They practice it over and over for hours, getting the right angle and staring at themselves in the mirror of the studio. Seongwoo lets his neck crane a bit too far which results in Minhyun almost kissing him. Almost. Kissing. Him.

 

Minhyun flings his body backward and lets out a chortling laugh that vibrates throughout the studio. Seongwoo laughs too but not nearly as much or as hard as Minhyun does. He doesn’t know why something like this would make him feel different, feel excited when he does similar things with other members and doesn’t think twice about it. He doesn’t get it. He goes bright red and gently pushes Minhyun away when he comes back over to him and proceeds to pull kissy faces at him. As usual, Seongwoo pushes it away, well at least he tries to and acts normal – with his limited skinship and affection to him.

 

☂

 

After the first live stage of _Wanna_ at the premier show for the fancon, Seongwoo’s suppressed feeling surface, and at full force. He can’t keep his hands of Minhyun, he’s basically clinging to him.

 

“What has gotten into you?” Minhyun asks. He laughs as Seongwoo continues to cling to him for dear life.

 

“I don’t know hyung, and I don’t like it.” Seongwoo says. It earns him another laugh from Minhyun and he tries to ease up. When they go on stage and get into position, where the fans see the bright purple set that surrounds them, all Seongwoo can see is grey. Grey, grey and more fucking grey.

 

“I guess nothing will ever change.” He muttered under his breath and Minhyun looks over his shoulder towards him.

 

“What doesn’t?”

 

He doesn’t know what to say and thankfully the cue for them to stay in position comes over their earpieces and all is well in Seongwoo’s mind. He is saved this time. The song starts smoothly and within the first few seconds of the song Seongwoo remembers the part he actually has to perform right now in front of their thirsty fans. They execute with ease, the sultry look they gave each other and the way that they faced each other sent the fans into hysterics. It was worth the practice but the thing Seongwoo isn’t sure about is when he looked down at Minhyun’s lip just before and saw speckles of purple floating in the air.

 

When they get off stage and are comfortably back in the dressing room, Seongwoo peeks over to see where Minhyun is. He finds him on his phone texting Jonghyun, which has presented a smile on his lips. When Minhyun looks up after feeling his presence is when things go horribly wrong. Purple is everywhere, floating everywhere in blobs and shining isolated speckles. Seongwoo is in shock, he never thought he would see the colours, especially because of Minhyun. He takes a step ad scratches his neck, unable to concentrate on the situation in front of him.

 

“Ong, is everything okay?” Minhyun asks.

 

Nothing is okay.

And it _never_ will be.

 

☂

**__ **

**_ January, 2018 _ **

 

 

It was just past midnight when Minhyun comes padding into Seongwoo’s room. Guanlin had gone to play games with Jihoon so it was just him alone – in the comfortable silence. He is sitting on his bunk with a guitar sitting in his lap – except he has no damn idea how to play it. Seongwoo had a small notebook in front of him which he had been scrawling random thoughts and lyrics onto but none of them were anything eye-catching. He feels the weight of the bunk dip as Minhyun climbed up the ladder and sat next to him.

 

“What do we have here?” he asks. He picks up the notebook and starts to read through the pages. Seongwoo hopes that the dim lighting is enough to hide the blush on his cheeks.

 

“These are _really_ good. _So_ good, Seongwoo.” Minhyun lets out shallow breaths as he continues to flip through the pages, and turning down page corners on parts he liked the most. He turns towards Seongwoo and eyes the guitar in his lap.

 

“I didn’t know you could play.” He huffs out as he places the notebook down.

 

“I can’t” Seongwoo strums at the strings awkwardly, which makes Minhyun laugh. He places a hand on Seongwoo’s knee and rubs gently.

 

“Do you wanna learn?”

 

Seongwoo nods enthusiastically and pushes the guitar into Minhyun’s lap just to have it pushed back into his own. Minhyun moves closer and wraps his arms around Seongwoo’s shoudlers so he can place Seongwoos hands on the guitar correctly. He shows Seongwoo the basic chords and he slowly gets a hang of it. When Seongwoo gets a chord wrong he lets out a loud sigh and Minhyun pats him on the shoulder.

 

“It’s fine, you’re doing really well.”

 

Minhyun is close, really close and it feels like he is closing whatever distance there is between them. Before Seongwoo can question him he is right in front of him, pushing the guitar aside and holding his chin.

 

“You’re always doing so well.”

 

Minhyun kisses him. The kiss is soft and quick and he pulls away just as quickly as it took him to press his lips down in the first place. Seongwoo is shocked, but not in a bad way… he doesn’t know what to think. It is how he finds himself leaning back into Minhyun and taking his lips in his own. They sit there, exploring each other’s mouths and upper bodies until they are heavily out of breath. When they pull away, Minhyun is grinning whereas Seongwoo has a simple smile on his lips.

 

The door opens and Guanlin is sauntering inside, not even looking at the two of them. They stay silent as the younger member searches around the room for something. When he finds it, a game console, he leaves the room and slams the door accidentally behind himself. Minhyun and Seongwoo let out their breath that they had been holding and chuckle. Minhyun starts shifting towards the ladder of the bunk bed.

 

“I think it’s time for me to go.”

 

“Don’t go.”

 

And so he doesn’t. They ditch the guitar and notebook to cuddle under the blankets instead. They share more kisses and trace each other’s skin with light fingertips. It was blissful, and beautiful because Seongwoo could see all the colours of the rainbow. In the moment, he just wanted to enjoy it, because the amount of pleasure he was consuming was intoxicating his heart and mind.

 

☂

 

When Minhyun wakes up in the morning, Seongwoo is no longer by his side. It’s cold and Minhyun wonders where on Earth he would be. He rolls over to find a note that has been sribbled on next to him.

_‘Thanks for the lesson last night Minhyunnie. I’ve got to go home suddenly for a few days, I’ll be back on Thursday. Have fun while I’m gone hyung.’_

It doesn’t make sense. Minhyun thinks it’s strange and it turns out he is right. He wonders why he even bothers trying.

 

Seongwoo doesn’t come back until three weeks later. It’s as if nothing ever happened.

 

Like it _never_ happened.

 

**__ **

☂

**__ **

**_ December 31st 2018 + January 1st 2019 _ **

 

 

They knew disbandment was going to be hard but they didn’t know it was going to be this hard. Seongwoo can’t remember being in this much pain for as long as he had been walking the Earth. It didn’t help it was New Year’s Eve, but they had all agreed it was the best thing to do – _it was the right way to go._

 

They had been at a restaurant for most of the evening, the younger (read: not legal) members had been buying out all of the soda in the store just like the way the older members were buying out the beer and soju. Even Minhyun who never drink poured himself a couple of shots. They were celebrating for the New Year, but they were also celebrating the time they spent together.

 

“So what are your plans? Do you know if Fantagio has something up its sleeve?” Minhyun ponders. He is leaning against Seongwoo’s shoulder and picking at some of the side dishes in between his tipsy word vomits.

 

“I think you’d be a fantastic actor.” He giggles when he says that and it shoots daggers into Seongwoo’s stomach. He knows that when tomorrow rolls around, that Minhyun would be going back to Pledis, to Jonghyun hyung and Wanna One would soon be long forgotten. It is what Seongwoo has come to envy the most – having somewhere to fall back on and somewhere to call a home. Fantagio is _far_ from home.

 

“We’ll see. Maybe I’ll rest for a bit you know, recover.”

 

Minhyun nods as he shoves a piece of chicken into his mouth while the other members are packing their things up.

 

“How are you getting home?”

 

“Walking. How about you?”

 

“Same. But how about I walk you home? You’ve drunk more than I have.”

That makes Seongwoo laugh, because that is always the case. Seongwoo drinking more than someone; Minhyun. The boys get up from the table and say their final goodbyes to the other members as they all start getting into taxi’s or company vans. The walk to Seongwoo’s apartment is comfortable, they just chat about random things – the weather, Seongwoo’s shoelace when it comes untied, Minhyun when he manages to walk into a pole which leaves Seongwoo in hysterical drunk laughter.

 

By the time they get into Seongwoo’s apartment, Minhyun isn’t really sure how to escort himself out. In fact, Minhyun can’t remember what he even did next because he finds himself in Seongwoo’s arms and tackling him to the couch. Seongwoo is confused but at the same time, he doesn’t really want Minhyun to let go.

 

Whether it is the alcohol and too many unsaid words and buried feelings, they kiss once more like they had back when Minhyun taught him how to play the guitar.

 

_Apprehensive._

 

And then it all hits Seongwoo at once. He grips Minhyun’s waist as he pulls the taller male on top of him while he kicks off his socks and trousers. Minhyun is busy unbuttoning his top when all Seongwoo has to do is pull off his singlet. In between the removal of their clothes and labored breathing, Minhyun pauses.

 

“Are you sure?” Seongwoo kisses him.

 

“One hundred percent.”

 

And so they continue. They stay on the couch for awhile until they move to the bedroom.

 

“Seongwoo, I, I love you.”

 

Seongwoo wants to think it is words said in the moment, the moment where they are completely losing themselves. But he knows it isn’t. Not when the normal shades of grey are turning purple.

 

“Love you, so much.”

 

Seongwoo picks up his pace, anything to chase the high his experiencing. He never thought the comedown would feel so low.

 

Minhyun lies at his side, tracing stars on his chest as they take a moment to gather themselves. Seongwoo decides to close his eyes, escape the reality in front of him. Minhyun may or may not love him, and he gives him the very thing he wants the most. But for some fucked up reason Seongwoo will never let himself have him. Because just as fast as the grey fades, it always comes back.

 

As he pretends to sleep he feels a rustling of the bed covers as Minhyun delves deeper into his side.

 

“Have you ever loved me back?”

 

In his mind, he whispers the words he should be saying out loud, “Always.”

 

 

☂

 

 

When he wakes up in the morning he is surprised to see Minhyun still asleep next to him, snoring peacefully. Seongwoo doesn’t know what to do or how to act when he does wake up, so he’s thankful that he actually is asleep. So, he thinks of the stupidest thing possible.

 

Pretend he doesn’t remember. Pretend that he doesn’t remember having sex with the man he secretly loves who confessed his own love for him in a semi-drunken state.

 

“I am so fucked up.” He mutters.

 

Minhyun stirs under the covers and soon raises his hand to rub the sleep from his eyes. Seongwoo gives him a small smile as he sits on the end of the bed.

 

“Hungover?”

 

“Yup.” He adds a laugh to make himself seem more calm, composed.

 

“Do – do you remember last night?”

 

“I remember leaving the restaurant, and I think you gave me a couple kisses and then we went to sleep, right?” Seongwoo thinks its plausible. He isn’t lying as such… he’s just leaving out pieces of the story. What Minhyun says next is not what he expected.

 

“Yeah, I mean we were both tipsy or drunk I guess.” He’s uncomfortable. Seongwoo thinks he could still say something, but damage is already done – clearly. Because Minhyun is pulling o the rest of his clothes and heading for the door. He pauses to give Seongwoo a hug and pat on the shoulder.

 

“Thanks for everything this past year.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, don’t mention it” Seongwoo says, hugging him closer.

 

“I should be going, I forgot that we have a fitting today.”

 

“Already?”

 

“Money doesn’t grow on trees, Seongwoo.”

 

Seongwoo forces himself to laugh.

 

“I’ll see you around I guess, Mr Hwang Minhyun.”

 

“Have a good day, Seongwoo.”

 

_“Goodbye.”_

 

☂

 

**_ 1 ½ Years Later _ **

 

_You’re burning me down._

 

The clubs aren’t complete without a few popular western songs remixed to make the masses really get off their V.I.P tables and down onto the dance floor. Seongwoo doesn’t even know how he got into the exclusive club. It’s not like any of the guards or strangers would recognize him. He’s just another washed up idol everyone forgot about after his group disbanded. But yet, he is in an exclusive and expensive club in Hongdae and frankly, making the most of it. The alcohol has long since infiltrated his bloodstream and anything he drinks now just adds to his level of intoxication. To be honest, it’s a surprise he had been let in in the first place.

 

The lights are almost blinding but it’s nothing Seongwoo isn’t used to. It’s not like he can actually see the colours they are shining – everything is just grey: _colourless._

 

_Light my body up._

He dances with too many people in expensive clothes and buys too many expensive drinks – and he doesn’t give a single fuck. It’s when the current song changes that his mood follows. The familiar beat to a track that had been remixed for the purpose of a repackaged album… none other than a track himself is singing on. The words make him feel dizzy and the emotions he has been trying his hardest to suppress come bubbling right up to the surface.

 

_Just accept it for what it is._

 

His own fucking lyrics feel like a slap in the face, that even his old self is telling him to get it together. But he can’t. He won’t.

 

It’s how he finds himself sauntering up the street, piss drunk, to the entrance of the pledis dorms. The security guard manning the booth comes out immediately after shining his torchlight at Seongwoo.

 

“This is private property. Sir, I’m going to ask you to leave – “

 

“Excuse me, _sir,_ but do you know my name?”

 

“Sir, please start removing yourself from the property before I call the p-“

 

“Stop. It’s okay, he’s my friend.” a voice calls from behind them. Minhyun, in his lanky, beautiful glory is jogging towards them and the sight of him gives Seongwoo mixed emotions. It should have been a bad idea, it is a bad idea, but the sight of him still somehow makes his heartthrob. Minhyun gingerly places his arm around Seongwoo’s was it while he pulls his phone from his pocket.

 

“I’ll get him home. I’m so sorry.” Minhyun says in between dialing a taxi. The security guard looks at Minhyun dubiously but returns to his post after a few moments of eye darting between the two of them. Seongwoo finds himself tracing Minhyun’s earlobe as he calls a taxi to pick them up from outside the dorm’s. Minhyun pockets his phone and leads Seongwoo to the footpath.

 

“What are you doing?” Minhyun whispers. His teeth are gritted and his lips remain soft. He doesn’t remove Seongwoo’s hands from him, but that doesn’t justify whether or not he wants them there or not.

 

“What, I, am doing?” Seongwoo slurs, letting out a loose chuckle shortly after. Minhyun smells the alcohol on his breath and winces out of habit. He never drinks. Seongwoo drinks too much.

 

“God, you’ll always be a drinker won’t you?” Minhyun sighs. The only thing Seongwoo can do is beam at him, some stupid smile that says “Yes, hyung. I always will be.”

 

The taxi pulls up and Minhyun pulls off his raincoat and places it over Seongwoo’s shoulders as he piles them into the back seat. Minhyun gives the driver Seongwoo’s address and he is surprised that he even remembers it after so long. Seongwoo is in shock as he stares at Minhyun.

 

“What?” Minhyun says with a shrug.

 

“Nothing.” Seongwoo whispers in return. The ride to his apartment is silent, and that is partly because Seongwoo is not drunk enough to be a complete ass to the driver and distract him whilst driving. When they arrive outside his apartment – it’s a completely different story. When Seongwoo fumbles for his keys he finds that he has lost them and furthermore, when he goes to punch in his pin pad code after him and Minhyun spent an eternity finding the hidden spare keys, he can’t even remember it.

 

Minhyun is irritated, angry even, but he knows to bite his tongue and that starting a fight with a drunk Ong Seongwoo is not the best thing to do at four in the morning. After half an hour longer of deciphering the code, they finally get into the apartment. Seongwoo fumbles with his shoes and collapses onto his couch. Minhyun, finds himself in the kitchen, scouring the fridge for a water bottle. Once he finds it, he looks further for medicine to pair with it.

 

He hands Seongwoo two pills alongside the bottle.

 

“Take them if you don’t want to have the worst hangover of your life tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Seongwoo chugs them back and coughs afterward.

 

“Minhyunie. A little headache won’t hurt me.” Seongwoo wants to add, “But you do.”

 

Minhyun stares at him with a blank expression before shaking his head and heading towards the bedroom. Seongwoo follows him and finds Minhyun opening and closing his drawers.

 

“Hey, hyung. What do you think you’re doing?” Seongwoo slurs from the doorway. Minhyun turns to look back at him and continue to hunt for whatever it is he is looking for. Seongwoo walks over to him, and catches Minhyuns wrist as he turns around with a blanket in hand.

 

“Do you want to be warm or not?” Minhyun asks. He is unreadable, like always, and it sends shivers down his spine.

 

“I, _thank you_ , can look after myself.” Seongwoo says. His hands are on his hip and he looks like a bratty kindergartner.

 

“Sure. That’s why your drunk ass turned up at my dorm when he haven’t spoken in over a year and a half.” Minhyun chokes out in small breaths of laughter. The laughter is replaced by an eerie silence, when it dawns on both of them the last time they had been in this room together, it had ended badly. Was history going to repeat itself? Minhyun looked awkwardly around the room as Seongwoo stumbled onto the foot of the bed, the blanket in his hand.

 

“Do you remember when we were last here?” Seongwoo asks. It’s a question not particularly aimed at Minhyun, but more towards himself, towards the walls that feel like they have him trapped in this very room. Minhyun shifts in his steps and sits next to Seongwoo on the bed.

 

“I thought –“

 

“I lied.”

 

“It’s not exactly something I could forget.” Minhyun whispers after awhile. His hands start to twitch, unable to find the right spot to keep himself seated still.

 

“Well, I never forgot.” Seongwoo leans towards Minhyun, lets his hands roam up Minhyuns chest to rest against both his neck and cheek.

 

“How could I forget.” The words are drawn out on purpose and Seongwoo himself questions what the fuck he is doing right now. He edges closer to Minhyun until he is straddling him, looking at him while they both breathe heavily, in sync. Minhyun’s eyes are closed and it prompts Seongwoo to make a move, a bold and dangerous move. He pushes his shoulders back so he is lying flat on the bed, Seongwoo laying on top of him. His lips quiver as they pause, millimeters before touching Minhyun’s. He lets his lips graze against them before pulling them on his own.

 

Their lips mold together with apprehension, much like they had that time in this very room and Minhyun finds his hand gripping Seongwoo’s hair – pulling him closer. Minhyun parts his lips first, his tongue slipping past Seongwoo’s own. As expected, he tastes like alcohol and he tries to push past it, past the rancid taste. They dance around each other, letting their kisses grow messy and rushed. It’s familiar, what they’re doing but at the rate it is advancing and the reason for it happening, isn’t right – which is why Minhyun pushes him back. He touches his own lips with his fingers and looks away, he doesn’t want to meet Seongwoo’s eyes.

 

“Seongwoo..”

 

He’s still underneath him, but they have moved further upright, so he is sitting. He removes his hands from his body and it stings, it stings so much but he can’t do this. Not when the lines are so close to being broken if they hadn’t been already.

 

“I said goodbye when I shouldn’t have said it.” Seongwoo whispers. His slurring has stalled, but Minhyun knows too well that when tomorrow rolls around Seongwoo will act like it all never happened.

 

Minhyun lets out a shaky breath when he finally lets himself talk. “I know. I know, but it’s too late.”

 

“Seongwoo, it’s too late.” Minhyun repeats, his voice a lot harsher than it had been previously. He can’t forget that he let himself in to Seongwoo but every time nothing happened, it was as though everything had been a dream. But it wasn’t a dream – it was a fucking nightmare.

 

“Seongwoo what’s done is done.” Minhyun is on the brink of tears, whereas Seongwoo’s own are already paving their way down his cheek.

 

“Minhyunnie, I’ve always –“

 

“Seongwoo! You’re drunk. I can’t do all of this again. I have promotions I need to be up for in the morning but I’m still here. Tell me why?”

 

It’s silent. There are tears. The air is heavy and nothing feels right but so, so right at the same time.

 

“Because you love me. Don’t you?”

 

Seongwoo looks at him with anticipation, like he is daring Minhyun to answer him.

 

“Yes. But you don’t love _me_ , do you?”

 

Seongwoo pauses, before he lets the words slip from his mouth.

 

_“Even when the seasons change…”_

 

 _“ At the deepest place in my heart, there is only you”_ Minhyun replies.

 

“Seongwoo, I know the lyrics.”

 

“And that’s my answer hyung.” Both his words and expression are so firm, that it almost seems burnt – that Seongwoo is _burnt._ It seems like every drop of alcohol has been removed from his body because the man standing in front of him is not the same man who presented himself in front of the dorms earlier.

 

“Going through the scattered memories in my mind is like looking through puzzle pieces. Nothing fits at all anymore Seongwoo.”

 

“I’m so sorry but I can never do this again. Please look after yourself.”

 

And with that, Minhyun places a final kiss, a parting to kiss, to his lips. When the door closes behind him, the numbness that Seongwoo had been trying to suppress surfaces, and at a great force.

 

Minhyun is right. He should stop kidding himself. Even though Minhyun said the words he did it didn’t stop Seongwoo from seeing colors bounce around the room the whole time Minhyun was in his apartment. But in the end he had forced himself to turn it grey, all the while Minhyun was trying his hardest to paint as much colour as he could. But it wasn’t enough and it would never be enough. It’s a funny word; never. Seongwoo hadn’t thought about it in this way before. While it can be used in the negative sense it can also be used positively, and it is all Seongwoo would ever have to hear to make sense of what had just happened and what had happened in the past.

 

Seongwoo had waited too long, he had chased after his own false dreams which had always been shared by Minhyun and inevitably it hadn’t worked out because of his own sabotage. This way, with that one specific word, he had come to an understanding finally. It was never going to work out and it never could, therefore, the colours would always be there -  because they had once been in love and it will be a reminder that they couldn’t take their love a step further. And they never can.

 

_“Never.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was exhausting and i hope somewhat enjoyable. thank you for taking your time to read this and your comments and kudos are much appreciated. thank you.
> 
> you can reach me at my [twitter](https://twitter.com/goldavnao3) or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/goldavnao3)
> 
> remember to stay hydrated and keep healthy!
> 
> \- em


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